I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
