was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize