i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
