My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Say something about gay babies.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
