I CAN MOONWALK!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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