His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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