You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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