when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
nutella sex= disaster
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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