Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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