I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
