Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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