so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
