Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
