i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
