I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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