Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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