you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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