i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
