I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
