I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize