its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
