I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
