I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
