If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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