we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
