I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
