Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
