remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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