Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
