never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're like the curious george of whores
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
