you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
