She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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