need another drink. this is the easiest way
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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