I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
