Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
