Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
