Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
