Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
