I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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