Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
