He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
