in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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