Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
