that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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