sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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