I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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