Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
