someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
