I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
