Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
