She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize