right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
