feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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