THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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