Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
