Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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