seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
