I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
