So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
