She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
