Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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